Monday, May 19, 2008

Teaching Rock Band To Drunk People


Did I mention they were also mostly high as well? Yeah, well I figure I point that out early, and do it in a way that doesn't make the title ostensibly more long-winded, and in a manner that's not obtuse or instructive. I've at least accomplished the former...

If there was any question as to whether you could teach a person that's drunk or high to play Rock Band, one must simply answer the question of whether a mule can skate on ice. The answer? Yes, he'll probably just fall over a few times, and generally make himself look like an ass... or ass-er? (Get it? Because a mule is an ass... so... yeah...)

So yes, it is possible to get people who are fairly intoxicated to play Rock Band, not well (God no), but they can play. Some of them anyways, I only really got two people to play songs without failing on a regular basis, which is out of eight or so people. I've run the numbers, painstakingly mind you, and that's only a quarter of the people who tried, and succeeded. So trust me in saying, it's not a easy job to teach people to play Rock Band. Quite frankly, I'm surprised they haven't gotten vertigo from all the moving colors, and faceplanted the hardwood flooring.

Communication is key for teaching your unwitting subjects, it's best to keep your lessons short and concise. But it takes two to tango in this. If you yourself happen to be inebriated, learning how to play Rock Band, then you may be having trouble understanding some of the terminology. Here are a few simple translations that may come in handy:

Stop fucking touching shit!

Translation: "Stop touching the buttons and mashing the drums, instead, assume the fetal position while I navigate the menus and select a song."

Hit the colors dumbass!

Translation: "Using your drumsticks, hit the colored drumpads that correspond to color being shown on the screen."

Fucking hit the bass!

Translation: "Hit the bass pedal with your foot for the orange horizontal lines."

Ow, frakin' hell!

Translation: "No, don't hit the bass player, hit the bass pedal."

Starpower! Use your starpower!

Translation: "Tilt your guitar controller upwards, complete a drum fill, or shout into the mic when available, to activate your Overdrive."

Stupid mother fuck...

Translation: "Play better, assholes."

Bear in mind, even if you do manage to pound the bare basics of Rock Band into their heads, it's still up to the players themselves to come through in the end. The best you can really hope for is that your players don't pull a Townshend, don't use the mic as a make-shift +5 Morning Star of Sonic Death, don't rimshot the pads every other hit (Just plain annoying), and that you generally emerge from the whole experience, eardums and sanity intact.

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